


Lost

by rockybluewigs (zekeshaolin)



Series: Lost and Found [2]
Category: Victorious
Genre: Bullying, Gen, Guilt, Love, Memorials, Neglect, Past Character Death, Rejection, respect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zekeshaolin/pseuds/rockybluewigs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week has gone by without you, Trina. And we're the only ones who care because we couldn't feel any more guilty about contributing to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Granted

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.

Chapter 1 - Granted; Tori Vega

It's been a week since I find my dead sister on the ground, already lost the battle between life and death. I find out that she took a handful of drugs - heart stopping drugs to be exact. But what broke me down was the last thing I said to her that morning.

_**No**  one likes you._

I never meant it; I just wanted her to get out of the bathroom already because the bathroom in my bedroom doesn't have any hot water, at all. My dad decides that it would be best to use his shower for the morning, and in return I was late to school.

But I don't care; I haven't left my own room since I break down that particular door and find my very pale, unresponsive sister on the cold tile floor.

Another sob escapes my throat as I realize from the past few days that my sister was alive, I've been treating her like shit. I keep insulting her whenever I had the chance because I feel that since I have the upper hand this time from my sister's narcissistic personality, that I can break her and she would change. However, what my comments (and my friends' comments) have done to her was destroy her emotionally, and build a wall around everyone, becoming more glib, grandiose, and selfish.

She wasn't always like that; it progressed more when I got to Hollywood Arts and suddenly she saw me as a threat rather than a sister (whether that was part of the mask or her true nature, I will  _never_  know) and wants to hang out more with my friends rather than with her friends. But my friends reject her, and I start to do the same.

People would find out we are related and ask me, 'How are you two related? she's so  _untalented_ ' and I would indirectly agree with them. I couldn't find a single thing that was talented about my sister; she couldn't dance, or sing, or do anything that was worth value within the school. Why they never expelled her, I fail to understand.

The comments start to get worse: 'you're a nuisance' and 'no one likes you' were the ones that are very common. I never said them directly, mind  _you_ , but when they were said, I never backed my older sister up. She never backed up for me, so why should I do the same for her?

Fuck, I'm so ungrateful; I completely forgot that it was my sister who got me into Hollywood Arts, if it wasn't for the Talent Showcase that she couldn't sing at because of her swollen tongue. She started my whole life, and what do I do in return; I insult her and pretend that she's a roommate rather than a sister.

I hear a soft knock at my door - "Go away," I say.

The request is ignored, and my parents walk in. "I want to be alone," I frown.

"Tori, you've been alone for the past week," my father points out. It's like they don't care that their first-born died in the bathroom a week ago. "Don't you think you should go back to school?"

I shake my head no. "No, I'm not ready to go back to the same place where my sister was a laughing stock."

"Your teachers are getting worried about your education—"

"Of course, because they don't care that the biggest reason why I'm at that school is gone!" I yell, causing both of my parents to jump. "No one cares that my big sister is gone. You two didn't even want to have a funeral for your first born! How can everyone be so heartless, especially  _you_  two? I expected more from the both of you, but no, it will 'cost too much'. Yeah right, you know that you didn't want to have a proper burial for Trina because you've never loved her. Why did you put up a front to everyone else?"

They look at each other puzzled, then back at me. The obvious silence proves that I'm completely right - no one in this house, or at that school, or in the  _world_ , cared about her. Now I understand why she put up a front: no one would pay any attention to her. Once I was born, her only child status died, and all of the attention was diverted from her. Even as we got older, no one would give a second glance at my sister. She was teased and belittled for being the untalented older sister, or the uglier older sister.

"I see why she wanted to kill herself," I growl. "Was she just a mistake to the both of you? Was her existence in the family just so you can have a child to be disappointed about? Was she just a waste of sperm and egg to you two?"

"Don't you dare say—"

"Don't I dare?" My voice gets higher, in an octave that rivals Trina's. "Think about it: you never really cared for her. It was all about me, my whole life, with no second glance to Trina. It was never about her and me. It was just about me and she just filled the void of the extra room in the house. She's a waste of space to you two, huh? Like when she said she wanted to go to a faraway college, and you two encouraged her. I said the same thing and you two frown, talking me out of it. When Trina was getting teased in school, you two would just brush it off, saying that 'kids will be kids' but when I got pushed into a mud puddle by some kid in middle school, you called the school board, demanding to know who the person's parents were. When you two found out that she was getting expelled and not me, you two looked so relieved. When she tries to find something new, and she excels at it, you don't congratulate her. You two were so used to her being such a failure and a screw up that you failed to notice that she actually had a god damned talent. She was just a waste of space, and you two felt relieved when I told you two that she took her own life. You didn't want her to be cremated, or buried; nothing. Why should you two care about me, if you didn't care about her?"

I hold back another sob, as the unnerving silence hits me again, "She changed my life, and no one noticed. I took her for granted. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

I glare at my parents, who have a stunned look on their face.

"We cared about your sister," my father starts. "It's just that... well, she was losing touch with reality and she didn't know when to stop."

"So you  _condone_  her suicide, is that what you're saying?" I ask, feeling another round of anger surge through me, and I swear, I see a flash of red flicker in my eyes. "Because she has a bit of an identity crisis, or that she wants to do something that makes her happy, she's  _crazy_? You didn't even call her by her first name. Was she even your child, or was she a mistake by some other bitch you decide to knock up before you met mom?"

"What?" They yell.

"I will not tolerate this language from you!" My mother screeches. "Now, she came from my own womb, with your father's DNA."

"Really?" I raise my eyebrow. "Are you sure it was dad's, or some other guy who you decided to—"

Before I know it, I feel a hand crash against my cheek. It's the first time my mom has ever put her hands on me, and I stand there, stunned, catatonic, unable to move from the shock. I glance at my angry mom, and cast my head down.

"Get the hell out of my room," I whisper.

The danger from my tone makes my father jump, and grab my mother's hand, practically dragging her out of the room. As soon as my parents leave, I sit back on my bed, and start to sob for the umpteenth time in the day.


	2. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious.

Chapter 2 - Regret; Holly Vega

I've never felt so heated, in the moment, to actually put my hands on my daughter like that. I understand why she's angry; her biggest sister, my first born, decides to take her own life. Now I'm the one to blame; she's my daughter, my  _late_  daughter, and I've given up on her at the worst time.

No one knows that we always thought that Trina would just be a failure, but maybe they do now considering that David denied the right for Trina to have a funeral, or a wake, or  _anything_  at all. At a young age, Trina always strived for attention, since Tori was born and we had to take time in sharing the care with two daughters. As they got older, Trina seemed more like the little sister; she was bullied and harassed and I've done nothing to her but tell her to suck it up and help her little sister Tori, who barely gets picked on. After the bullying, neglect, and heartbreak, she develops an attitude that I basically saw coming: she's conceited, self-absorbed, prideful, selfish, narcissistic, materialistic, everything that would make a person immediately hate someone. She became the victimizer after being the victim.

I give up on her the minute she tells me she's accepted to Hollywood Arts, since I know that she would just get bullied again for her lack of performing arts talent. I became the mother that walks away from Trina's problems since they were the same everyday, the mother that wishes that she would just graduate and get the hell out of my life already, the scathing mother that I wish never to be.

Just recently when Tori screams at the phone about Trina's suicide, I realize that I'm a horrible mother. I regret everything; I regret having her deal with the rejection from her father, the bullying from the other kids, the resentment from the people from her school, and letting her defense mechanism go so far. The fact that she hides it so much and makes everyone believe that she's intolerable, proves that there's more than meets the eye than a narcissistic personality.

"I regret everything," I sigh, staring at my hands that  _feel_  so dirty right now. "I've should've seen it coming; the switch in personality, the lack of friends, the sudden depression weeks before the suicide—"

"Don't you dare start blaming yourself, Holly," David points at me with a menacing look; "She was old enough to know what she was doing that day. Look, we both know that she was just... a failure, and that she would be off to college far away from us and Tori—"

"So we did condone her suicide," I whisper, in the fit of the moment.

David frowns, "No we didn't. We never wanted her to die. We wanted her to go away."

"No. I didn't. You did," I point out in anger. "You just wanted her out of the way because she was tarnishing your image! And even if she was killed, or put in jail or something, it wouldn't matter because as long as you can be happy with me and Tori."

"That's not the case—"

"Yeah right," I snarl. "I can see right through your 'we're not planning a funeral for her and that's final' act. I always had my doubts about Trina, yes, but you never liked her at all. You never liked your own child."

"Holly, what—"

"I'm such a horrible parent!" I exclaim, and I start to sob into my hands. "I slap my own child, and I pretend that Trina never had a problem but she did! She was neglected and rejected everywhere, and -  _no_ , she ended her life so shortly because of us, and we have the audacity to not put her to rest."

I dry up my face, and stare at the stuttering man before me; the man that helped father my kids, the man that equally neglected Trina and requested—no,  _enforced_ —that she go to a far-away college, the same man I'm falling out of love with due to his insensitive nature over the whole suicide of our first born daughter. I've realized that the more our kids grow up, the more he stopped showing up due to his 'job' while I was there, while not emotionally but physically.

Trina should have never killed herself, but even if she didn't, the man before me would never think twice to give her a single hug.

I grab my jacket, and drape it over my arm. "I have to make some decisions. I can't let my first born be disrespected even after her death."

"You are not using your—"

"Yes I am," I interrupt. "You can't admit this right now, but you personally hated Trina. But that's fine, at least you got your wishes for her to be far,  _far_  away. But I will not sit there, and let guilt eat me alive for  _your_ idiocy." I grab the car keys from the coffee table and leave the house, making the decision I should have made a week ago.


	3. No Act

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious.

Chapter 3 - No Act; André Harris

That day was like yesterday.

_I just came home after a long day in school... the reason is mostly weird and would make anyone think I'm crazy for attempting to do: helping this weird girl with her country song. I open the door to my house, and expected my grandmother to yell about something ridiculous (and something I'm used to) but she's sleeping on the couch, clutching the blanket so tightly it hurt. Those rare times when I see her sleeping soundly after a day at school; it means she's getting better and someday, I know she wouldn't need me to take care of anymore._

_Although she gets on my last nerve, there's something about her that makes me attached; a kind of mother-son attachment I've never received from my real mother. It's almost like she's the stuffed animal that provides a motherly warmth, while my mom is the one who provides food, but is simply nothing to me._

_My thoughts interrupt when I feel my phone vibrate, and Tori's picture shows up. I pick up the phone with a simple, "Talk to me, muchacha."_

_"André!" She yells, almost resembling my grandmother in one of her yelling fits. "She's gone!"_

_"Hold up," I raise an eyebrow, wondering what she's talking about. "Who's gone? What's wrong?"_

_" **Trina**  is gone," she replies, with a sob._

_"Um, I'm pretty sure you wanted her gone for—"_

_"She's_ dead! _" Tori sobs loudly. "My sister is dead!"_

Ten days later, and I find myself being surprisingly affected by her death. I know I shouldn't care because I never cared for her, but, suicide is  _never_  the answer for anyone. It's also been a week since I've seen my best friend Tori, since she closed herself off from everyone. I completely understand; with the exception of a few people, everyone's basically having a fiesta over the older Vega's death. Even her own parents won't have a burial or a cremation for her. I feel so bad for being passive and  _even_  being part of the torment that she went through. So many hateful things can be said to someone before they completely lose it.

Much to my surprise, I see the saddened Tori after a week by her locker. She turns off the lights in her 'Make it Shine' locker, since there's no point of making it shine. Her sister was the reason why she made it shine at Hollywood Arts, so I understand why she would possibly change the look of her locker. Being the close friend in her life, I silently make my way towards her.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

Big mistake. She turns around, with an angry expression that rivals Jade's. "How am I holding up? Is that the _only_  question you can come up with when you were standing there surprised that I came back to school after a week?"

I cast my head down, feeling ashamed. "I know, and I'm sorry. What I meant to say was... are you feeling any better? Since the whole... you know."

"I'm brand spankin' new, thanks for asking," she says sarcastically, and slams her locker shut.

"That's new," I mutter, wonderfully stifling back a laugh. "Uh, I meant that... I'm really sorry about what happened to—"

"Just drop the fucking act, André," she scowls, but I'm more surprised at her sudden use of colorful language. Even when mad, Tori isn't the one for slip-ups. "You don't care, and neither does my father, or anyone else at this school, so don't try to sugarcoat your deep hate for Trina by giving me  _bullshit_ condolences."

"This isn't an act," I retort, hoping she wouldn't get any more angry than she needs to be by appearing calm, but earnest. "Yeah, I was one of the people who always rejected her, but I've never let it go too far. I never _wanted_  your sister to die, even though she was a constant annoyance to all of us. And I feel guilty for letting my passiveness get this far. I'm really sorry, Tori, and I hate the fact that your parents aren't doing anything about it."

Tori's angry demeanor softens almost immediately, but I continue. "Sometimes I feel like we don't know what we're doing to a person until they are gone. We can break someone internally but we can't see it because we're so damn blind. And that was the case with her. We should have been less judgmental to her. And I know that your sister wouldn't want you to be brooding everyday for the rest of your life, wallowing in your own self-guilt."

"You're right," she sniffles. "I'm sorry. My parents are getting a divorce, and I'm just angry that they need to do it now. I completely understand their choice, but my sister just died, you know? And since I didn't want to hear _any_  of the bickering, I thought why not come back to school? Ugh, big mistake. I'm not ready—"

"Yes, you are," I reassure her. "You're  _already_  here, aren't you?"

"Mainly because of my parents' arguing," she shrugs, wiping the tears from her face.

"You can also clean out her locker," I suggest. "I heard Sinjin was—"

"Who's cleaning out her locker?" Before I have a chance to reply, she suddenly runs off to the other side of the school, to where Trina's old locker is. I watch her for a moment, and then look at the locker. I turn on the switch, the 'Make it Shine' sign dimly gleaming in my face.

"You've always made it shine, Trina."


	4. Love Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.

Chapter 4 - Love Always; Sinjin Van Cleef

Looking at the spoon-covered locker makes me regret everything. Although I've deeply cared for the owner of the locker, she never noticed it and I feel that it's deeply my fault. I've always been a weird student; excelling in everything special effects but having weird fetishes. I've always liked the girls who were hard to get, but something about Trina Vega gets me going.

She always had that positive aura around her, no matter how much hate she experienced throughout the whole school. When I heard that she died, I break down in front of her locker and start to cry, while the school either ignored it or cheered that they don't have to deal with her anymore. It's supposed to be a moment of silence, and everyone talked, and talked, and talked. However the main peoples stop talking, and stay silent despite the loudness of the hallway.

If it wasn't for Jade's outburst - "Shut up!" The whole school would continue talking.

I've always helped her - almost getting her to be prom queen, getting her 900 followers, being by her side, and while she did help me by teaching me how to jump rope, and also being an assistant during my game show, there were times when she takes me for granted. I still loved her, despite that fact. I know it was just an act, which proves to me that she's the greatest actress; better than her sister or Jade, since she hid all of her depression and anger to the world by being a narcissist.

I easily open the locker, knowing the combination by heart, and my heart sinks when I see the common things owned by the once-alive Trina.

She has a mirror, on the door, as well as many pictures of herself. She has some of her sister, and also a picture of her parents. There are some textbooks, and an old sweater. She also has pictures of other celebrities.

I don't want to touch anything with my bare hands so I grab some gloves and out them on. I shift through the books and hoodie, and I find another picture - it's a picture of a model, with a taped picture of her own body. The picture of her body has been heavily marked; comments about her body image that she desperately wants to change.

But she's  _perfect_ , in every single way.

I take another deep breath, holding back tears, and stare at the photo. The model, while pretty, is almost underweight and unhealthy. On the top of the photo, it says 'a dream body'.

Why would she ever want to change her body image with surgery?

The photo is almost dropped on the floor when I hear a clearing of the throat. I turn around, seeing a surprised Tori Vega staring back at me.

"I swear, I was just trying to—"

"What're you looking at?" She questions, and snatches the photo from my hands. Almost immediately, she gasps, and literally drops the photo on the floor. "Why would she—"

"Because compared to you, she was ugly," I say, finally realizing why she would do that in the first place.

"But she wasn't—"

"Of course she wasn't!" I exclaim. "She was perfect, and she didn't deserve so much hate and disgust by everyone here. When the principal announce her death, everyone but your friends laughed and cheered, and I was the only one who cried. No one cared at all; it was just like she never existed."

"But she did," Tori points out. "I knew it was a mistake coming back to school today—"

"No, it wasn't," I sympathize with the younger sister, and give her a genuine, non-creepy smile. "Maybe the school's usual happiness and bright colors today set you back, but I know Trina would be mad at you for staying home over her death."

"You're right," she shrugs. "But why did you  _want_  to clean out her locker?"

"Because… even though she was mean to me, I've always found her to be attractive under the makeup and acting," I reply. "Plus, she would probably get mad at me and chase me all over campus. But since she's dead, it doesn't feel right to do so."

"You always loved her, didn't you?" She asks me, with a look of wonderment. "After all this time?"

I nod curtly. "Yeah, I did. She never returned it though." It's the sickening truth, but even though she may seem annoying to others, she helped me few times; one of the most recent ones was when she teaches me how to jump rope. "I guess I should leave you to clean out her locker. You are her sister and all."

"Thanks," Tori nods, with a grimace.

I take one last at the spoon-covered locker, and walk the other direction, with somewhat of a new dignity. I'll always love her, and even though she didn't like me back, she wouldn't want  _any_  of us being so glum over her decision.


	5. Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.  
> There's a bit of cussing here, which is more suited for the others but hey, this is fan fiction.

**AN: it really is hard to write Cat's point-of-view, since she's air-headed, childlike, and mellow. But since this is a tragic story, I made her a bit mature. Maybe, too mature. Despite it being short, this is one of my favorite chapters, by far. (Tori's chapter is number one.)**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious._ **

* * *

Chapter 5 - Understand; Cat Valentine

I never fully understood the context of suicide. People have so much to live for; the sky is blue, the grass is green, and the sun is shining on them, even if one is sad. The going gets tough, but there is that one person, or that one thing, that can make people happy. For me, it's Mr. Longneck, my purple giraffe. I also have my best friends to look forward to every day. But when I hear that Trina Vega committed suicide that day, I realize that not everyone has that special something or someone.

She has  _nobody_  to confide in; even her own sister gives up on her.

I silently whimper against my best friend's shoulder the day I hear the devastating news. I don't like the fact that one talented (yes,  **talented** ) person decided to take their own life, and everyone else would just laugh and cheer like that. They don't realize that it's the ear-splitting truth that someone killed themself. And while I jump in reflex as I hear Jade's booming voice, I know I'm not the only one who feels the same way.

I've always believed, even though singing and dancing isn't what she should be looking at, that Trina Vega is a  **beautiful**  and talented person. Everyone has a talent. She hides her true feelings behind such a snideful mask that everyone believes it's her true nature. But I think a select few can tell that she isn't like that, including me.

I've seen the way her parents treat her; like they should have never had her in the first place. When I hear that she isn't having a burial or a cremation, I almost cussed in outrage. What kind of  **heartless** asshole ( _oops_ ) deliberately treats someone's death like a joke, by not allowing the deceased to have a proper burial, or at  _least_  a cremation? We could have scatter her ashes in front of the school; or at least, I would have.

As I watch Tori sullenly clean her late sister's locker, I sigh in pure sympathy. While Trina and I weren't very close, I knew that she did everything in her heart to make sure that Tori is happy. Tori's life started when she got to this school, thanks to her sister. If my brother ever did that, I would give them everything in return.

I feel that everyone around us has treated her like garbage; while I haven't done much to contribute, it's usually Robbie (oh come on; do you  _seriously_  think that Rex is another person?) or Jade, who makes mean comments towards her. Everyone contributed and I sit there, barely mumbling, and passively letting my group of friends constantly belittle her for not having the ability to sing, or act, or dance.

But that day, no day but that day, I realize that Trina is a  _very_  good actress.

We should have been more nicer; we do that to Tori all the time and ignore her sister. We don't realize what's wrong with people until it's too late. It's too late to apologize, because she's dead, and she will never understand what it means to have a real friend, since all of her ' _friends_ ' rejected her.

Her sister rejected her too. She followed the 'belittle Trina' trend, and she's paying for it in cold, dead, guilt. That doesn't mean she never cared; just like us, we simply rejected her the minute we saw her on our first days, and even more so, she's treated even more shitty when Tori shows up.

I shouldn't say much; I'm always the weird one in the group. But at the end of the day, everyone knows I have talent. But so does Trina, with her performance of being the girl that everyone hates but also harboring a deep, dark depression that gets deeper and deeper with each insult thrown at her, rejection from every guy she's ever liked, and mistreatment of everyone around her.

Trina, where ever you are, I'm deeply sorry for everything.


	6. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So for a test drive I will post another Victorious fic here before I post it on ff.net, most likely today. Even if no one reads it, I'm pretty sure someone out there will click on it. By the way I don't own anything.

Chapter 6 - Guilt; Jade West

_"We interrupt this intermission for a very important announcement. One of our students was found dead inside her house yesterday—"_

_Giggles. Laughs. Snide remarks. That's all I hear._

_—A moment of respectful silence—"_

_More laughs and giggles, and snorts around me. Cat suddenly grabs my waist and whimpers in her way of her usual defense mechanism. Everyone else around me stays quiet. I scowl in disgust, watching each and every classmate that belittled the late student pretend this is a joke._

_"Shut up!" I shout in complete anger, and feel hot, white tears make their way from my eyes down to my cheeks._

I shouldn't feel any guilt in the first place; Trina Vega is a nuisance, a narcissist, a delusional histrionic. But she's clinically depressed, an actress ten times better than me, a young woman who shouldn't deserve to be laughed at, even after her death. She never deserved to be ridiculed by her own parents either. If that was any if my siblings, I would have tortured my parents to death; how dare they not respect the dead?

I've contributed so much to the older Vega's fallout. I feel like a fucking murderer for doing all of this, causing her to take her own life. I know I'm a mean person, and I've said some mean things to everyone (even Cat,) but I have half of a conscience to stop. But when it came to Trina, she takes it like a man. She never lets the comments get to her. My constant 'no one likes you' rolls off her shoulder like a loose spaghetti strap. Despite her demeanor, that was the one thing that I've always  **admired**  about Trina Vega.

I sigh and walk over to the silently sobbing Tori, while she cleans out her locker. She stops, and grabs an old hoodie, pressing it close to her face. It still has her natural scent, I assume. She stares at me, and sniffles, turning back to the hoodie and still inhaling what's left of her sister.

"Sniff too much of it and the smell will go away, Vega," I point out, a little humorly. "I'm serious."

"What do you want?" She growls - it's the first time she's been angry at things that didn't deal with her sister and surprisingly, it scares me.

"Well, first of all, I heard that you came back to school after a week of being a hermit," I shrug, mentally beating the shit out of myself for letting my mean streak show at a time like this. "And well, you're here."

"Whatever," Tori turns around towards the locker, and stares at it with an angry expression.

I blink, and before I stop myself, the insults keep coming - "Whatever? What's that supposed to mean to me, Vega? Are you shooing me away—"

"Shut the fuck up," she scowls angrily. "You obviously don't get it. Why do you suddenly care? You couldn't stop with the insulting comments when she was alive. You've always been putting people down for no reason, and frankly, I'm sick of it. So if you're going to continue to be a bitch, then go ahead. Keep murdering people, for all I care."

The words make me flinch, and for the second time today, I hold back tears. "You think I  _actually_  wanted your sister to die," I tremble.

"You might as well have," she retorts. "I mean, have you ever stop to think that your comments ever hurt?"

The comment suddenly gets me angry all of a sudden. "Don't you  _dare_  act like you were the  _only_  one that didn't insult her!" I screech, causing people within a ten-foot radius to scurry away. "You're not a fucking angel, Tori Vega. You've always said a lot of shit towards your own sister, and you have the  _audacity_  to turn this on me? Trina's your sister, and all you did was sit there and agree with the rest of us when we called her talentless and annoying.  **You never cared either!** "

Shit, I shouldn't have said that, because it only makes her angrier. "Really, that's what you think? Unlike you, I actually care about others! You don't give a shit about anyone! I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't care about yourself either."

"Fuck you, Vega!" I yell even louder. "I may be this person who always picks on everyone, but I never want them to kill themselves over it. That's not what I wanted at all. As a matter of fact, this school took this whole fucking thing as a  _joke_. They think that her death wasn't worth mourning over because she's untalented. I  _hated_ that she died, partially because of my comments, and I would feel even worse if - if someone close to me—" I stop, failing miserably to hold back tears. "I would hate it if one of my friends did that. I would hate it even more if you did that."

I sigh, while the tears fall before I have a chance to stop them. I don't make an attempt to wipe them, since they keep on coming. However, I will not sob in front of anyone. It's still surprising to see that a person like me would even produce tears; the scary wicked witch of the West actually has a heart. But what can I say about this situation? Tori thinks I'm just this heartless bitch, while she's actually my closest friend in the whole group (and I will never admit it) and while I hated every ounce of her sister, I never wanted Trina to take her own life as a means of disappearing.

"I - I'm sorry; she always never took my comments to heart so I always continued. She never said anything, while you always insulted me back or at least tried to get back at me. What do you expect me to do, it's in my nature." I stop and wipe my face, although it was no use since the tears kept on coming.

She still doesn't say anything, so I continue.

"But seriously, she was  **asking**  for it," I sniffle, although it doesn't lighten the situation. "I mean the woman walks around school, demanding attention, whether bad or good. Someone had to put her in her place, and Robbie wasn't helping with that ghastly puppet. I thought that was her true nature when I first saw her, but after the death, I realized it was something more. She hid her real feelings for so long with narcissism that I thought it was actually her personality, and that the whole Vega family was the same way. Even when I met—or saw—you. But since we're friends now, I know it was just her being the nuisance she is. But even though I wanted her to disappear, I didn't mean 'take your own life'."

I sigh, holding back a sob. "I know you hate me now, and that's fine, considering that I yelled at you, but that's fine. I'll get out of your way from now on."

I exhale, and turn the opposite direction, but a hand stops me from doing so. "I don't hate you. I can  **never**  hate you. I just hated that you hated my sister so much that you had to insult her. Some of your insults towards me or any of our friends are harmless, but when it comes to Trina, it's meaner than it should be. I know that you may not change your ways, but maybe it's something to think about."

I haven't thought about it, at all. But I haven't insulted—or talked, rather—to anyone since the news, besides to Beck, and they're usually ending in hoarse throats, tears, and broken things. "I haven't even talked to anyone since. Beck and I fight way more than we should. Cat's been ignoring my calls and texts. Hell—even André's avoiding me. Since Trina died, I don't need anyone else dying on my hands." I let out a strangled sob before continuing, "I even thought  _you_  died for a quick second."

"What? I wouldn't do that!" She gasps, suddenly giving me a hug. For the first time since Trina died, I break down and relax into the squeezing, however comforting hug. "I never realized how much you cared. God, I'm so sorry for snapping at you."

"I deserved it," I sob.

"If I would have known how much you cared, I would have never done it," she whispers, not letting go of me. "You're my friend, and friends don't snap at each other and blame each other for things like that."

We stay like that, for a long time, completely unaware of the time passing.


	7. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious.

Chapter 7 - Memory; Beck Oliver

_One day later_

I apply the last touches on the stage, hoping that my work would actually suffice. It's been ten days since a fellow classmate died, and the fact that the school takes it as a joke, not to mention the neglect from her parents sums it all up that she's a broken young woman that never deserved any mistreatment that the student body gave her.

What makes me feel even more bad was  _contributing_  to that mistreatment. I start to remember the day I pretended to like her and then make her look bad in front of her father with André and Robbie's help. It was funny then, but after she died, it looks like a sick joke that no one should laugh at, and hearing her father's comment -  **Promise me that when you're applying for college, that you'll go far, far away**  - breaks me even more.

I never personally liked Trina, but the fact that she killed herself makes me think that my indirect comments have hurt her in a way. I remember first meeting her, way before Tori applied, and she was a very pretty girl to look at. Jade got mad at me that day, and then tells me who she really is. I didn't believe it until she opens her mouth one day, and then I realized that Trina is actually an egocentric girl with no ounce of talent whatsoever.

When I met Tori -  _formally_ , met Tori (not counting the day she rubs my chest after spilling coffee on my shirt) - I was unaware that she was related to Trina, until Tori says it herself. I felt the utmost pity for Tori, realizing that a talented, pretty, sweet girl would be related to  _that_  (by that, I mean Trina.) Her egocentrism skyrocketed after Tori applies herself in Hollywood Arts, mainly because all the attention diverts to the talented Vega. And I mean, all of the attention; Jade and Cat don't get leads in the plays anymore, I rarely attend a dance event without Tori singing (whether with André or not,) and if I'm not mistaken, Sinjin  _briefly_  mentioned how talented and popular we are, so I guess Tori helped us on the top of the social hierarchy.

With  _no_  help from Trina - she's always excluded from our events. I don't exactly kick her out, but Jade does, Robbie does  _indefinitely_  (Seriously. The puppet isn't a separate person. It's  _Robbie_  who's too scared to say anything!) and sometimes André does, and Tori does indirectly. Even Cat, the sweetest girl in the school, has found her ways to reject Trina. So I guess I'm not the only person who feels the guilt and shame.

"This looks nice," I hear someone say behind me.

"Yeah, I worked on it with a little help with the special effects crew," I reply, when Tori stands next to me, with her arms crossed and a distant expression. I take a good look at her - she still has leftover tears from the few days she's been brooding in her house, and since then, everything about her is dull. It's like the light that she always radiated has died with her sister.

"I still can't believe the school would allow me to have a memorial today," Tori says, with a glum tone.

I blink, "Of course they would. They didn't like it when she died as much as I didn't, or any of our friends."

"I guess you're right," I see a bit of a smile on her face. "I remember the first time I performed at this school. She had a swollen tongue and couldn't sing, but she never stopped me from performing despite that. Who knew she was the reason why I made it shine."

"That's a  _positive_  way to look at things," I nod.

"Yeah," she shrugs, and sits on one of the chairs. "If only she would have another chance at life, then I would say sorry for all of the things I've done to her."

"You probably don't know this," I start. "But when she told the whole school that she was dating me, I tricked her into thinking we were dating, and also getting André and Robbie into the ordeal, and made her look crazy in front of her dad. The last thing I remember was her father requesting her to go to far, _far_  away from him. At the time I didn't feel sorry, but thinking about it now, I realize that the comment hurt her more than me tricking her."

Tori stares at me, with an unreadable expression. "Yeah, I knew about that. It was also my parents telling me that we should have abandoned her in Yerba. Even my own parents didn't care about her enough to make her disappear."

"That's just horrible. Yerba wasn't a fun place," I frown, remembering the horrible island we stayed in. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially and  _even_  Trina."

"Me neither," she snorts. "The memorial starts in a couple of minutes... and I should expect some people telling me how sorry they are when they're not."

"Well, if it helps, I'm going to be here for you," I point out. "So will Cat, and André, and Robbie without the puppet, and even Jade. We'll all be here for you. I wouldn't be surprised if Sikowitz shows up... he's the sole reason why Trina got accepted into Hollywood Arts."

"Yeah." She laughs humorlessly, casting her head down. "If it wasn't for him though, I wouldn't be here either. I never sang in front of people, never opened my mouth for any reason except for talking, and then André shows up. He's the one who made me stay here, but it was her who really  _put_  me here. I never received an opportunity like that. While it's wrong for me to say this: I'm pretty glad she got her tongue swollen. She didn't even stop me from singing. She  _encouraged_  me, even though I couldn't understand her."

"I remember that," I chuckle lightly. "I saw that performance, with Jade. I didn't know that you were her sister, but Jade kept commenting that you almost looked like Trina. I didn't see the resemblance at all. But after that, I realized she was the same person, in the tacky blue dress, who supported you, and hoped that you would attend this school. I haven't noticed it until now. Oh, and by the way, if you didn't rub my shirt on your first day, you and Jade would probably be best friends... maybe, in a weird way,  _dating_. She loved your performance."

"We're friends now," Tori counters.

"I mean, not dumping coffee on your head," I frown.

"Oh," she nods. "Oh man! I should have known. It's just that... she just walked in at a wrong time, and I dumped  _good_  coffee on you, and—"

"I know, that's in the past now," I say.

There's a small silence, with a sniffle that breaks it. "I really miss her, you know. She may be undesirable, but she was my blood sister, you know? My sibling. My  _rock_. The only person that helped me when I needed sisterly advice. And now she's gone. I don't know if I'm going to get through this memorial without breaking down."

"Just stay positive," i reassure her. "No one's going to get through this without shedding at least one tear. But you can do this. And no matter what, she'll always be in our memories," I smile, staring at the photo of Trina, with a smile that almost brights up the room more than it should.


	8. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: i don't own Victorious

Chapter 8 - Moving On; Robbie Shapiro

I enter the empty Black Box theatre, seeing both Beck and Tori sitting by themselves in the corner. Today's the day of Trina's memorial, and since her mother decided that her body should be cremated, we decide (actually, Cat decides) that the ashes should be scattered in front of the school.

The last year has been hard for her; everyone—including our group of friends—has treated her even worse than before. I even contributed to the help of rejecting her since she's done her share of tormenting with Rex. Even though he's a puppet, he's still a part of me—the part of me that I can  _never_  reveal to anyone, even if I want to.

But it seems like I am, since I burned him ten days ago.

It took a lot out of me. Since he basically  _almost_  killed Trina before, I had to. Who knows what he would say about the suicide? Well, actually, he did. He went on and on about her cowardice and how she made the smartest decision in her life. Being the victim of suicidal thoughts, it was the last straw. I douse him with lighter fluid, along with his stupid clothes, and watch him as the flames dance around the clothes, the memories, the insults, the hatred, the snarkiness, the lechery, everything. I almost got in trouble, since the smell of burning wood permeated the house, despite the action being done in the backyard.

However, I know I can get through with it.

Today's the memorial, and today, I can be there for a girl that I should have had more sympathy towards. I know how it feels to be rejected, time after time. I'm constantly rejected by girls,  _especially_  Cat. People even think I'm less of a guy, so I'm sometimes rejected by the male species as well.

I sit by myself in the back, where I don't have to ruin the small moment between Tori and Beck, while they're talking idly to each other. I know for sure they don't like each other that way, and if they did, they wouldn't look right either. Seeing Beck with Jade for so many years made me see that Tori is simply too happy and peppy for his liking, and that now that they're back together,  _nothing_  can stand in their way.

But I realize I'm not the only one in the back of the theatre when I hear a low sigh next to me.

"Why are you sitting here?" the redhead asks, with a serious tone that I don't really hear at all.

"Why are  _you_  sitting here?" I emphasize. "You were closer to her than I was."

"The front is reserved for Tori and her mom," Cat states. "But it's also for Trina's friends... which in retrospect, she doesn't have  _any_  true friends. Not even I'm her true friend. I haven't been nice to her lately."

"None of us have," I sigh. I've been mean to her, mostly through Rex, and I've taken complete responsibility towards his actions, which were mine. It only takes one action as tragic as this to realize that there is a human being inside her, and if she was with us today, she would probably not forgive us since we've been harsh on her. I don't blame her at all; I don't forgive myself over it either.

"The memorial's about to start," she points out. "And I don't want to move from here. I know I should be there for Tori, but I don't know how to handle situations like this."

"Neither do I," I reply. "But you don't have to move."

The redhead gives me a sad smile. "You'll stay with me, at least?"

I nod, while I feel her hand hold my trembling hand.

As the memorial starts, the theatre fills up with only of our friends, some of the faculty, and Tori's mother. I'm not surprised since I've been seeing less and less of their father. But it isn't in my way to impose. Cat stays next to me in the back, while André sits next to Tori (who is now on stage), and Beck is holding a quiet Jade in the corner.

"Sometimes we act before we think," Tori starts her eulogy, getting everyone's attention. "Sometimes it's conscious, and sometimes it's unconscious. But when we don't control those impulses, it can hurt others. That's a lesson I learned before one of Hollywood's stars died out ten days ago." She stops, to look at the picture of her sister Trina next to her. She bites her lip and attempts to blink back tears.

"Some - some of you may know Trina as the untalented, egotistical, narcissistic person that doesn't belong at a performing arts school. Hell, I even believed she was. But it takes a real person to see that she's human, like all of us. None of us really saw her that way because we believed that she was just born that way. But she wasn't. No, she definitely wasn't. With bullying," she glanced at Jade in the far corner with a soft glare - "neglect," she then glances at her own mother - "and rejection, the wall was already built. There was no going back. However, she has helped one of us, one way or another. She helped me get into school here, she helped Cat get the grizzly glue antidote—" Tori suddenly shudders from the memory - "She helped stall that crazy Chinese lady in Wok Star for Jade's play… the list goes on. But she isn't with us anymore to do  _any_  of those actions."

There's a passing silence, while Tori stares at her sister again. From the back, I see tears falling already. She wipes them quickly and smiles brightly. "The only thing we can do, is to hope for the best. That's why we are here to not mourn, but to move on with Trina's death. She wouldn't want us sitting here, wearing more black than Jade West does for a living, crying tears of sorrow, and playing the funeral march. No. We are here because Trina Vega, is a wonderful, beautiful, and  **talented**  person, and an amazing sister, daughter, friend, mentor, and believer. She shall be in our memories forever and ever."

She stares at the small container next to her, full of ashes. "I couldn't believe she told our mother and father that she didn't want to be buried when she was twelve. But after the decision was made, I realize that it's better that way. Trina was a hardcore perfectionist, so of course she wouldn't want dead flesh-eating insects feeding on her when she's dead." Some of us laugh, including myself; who wouldn't believe that she said those exact words at the age of twelve? "Since all of her ' _friends_ ' didn't make it to the memorial, I can be satisfied that my mother, at least, would assist me in this, because I wouldn't want to do this on my own."

And I know she wouldn't. It's not easy to even touch what was left of a human being. It seems creepy, but it would be more creepy to keep the ashes inside their home. I exhale deeply as I watch everyone else stand up and leave the Black Box theatre. I get up slowly, and that's when I realize I'm still holding Cat's hand and she hasn't moved around throughout the speech.

"You alright?" I ask the redhead, who has a few stray tears on her face.

She nods, and wipes her face with her free hand. She lets go of my hand, only to get up and dust herself off. "I guess we should go now."

We're the last ones to show up, and we stand next to each other, with the rest of our friends. I watch as the container opens, and the ashes of a once-alive person like us pour out of the container and on the fountain. The water quickly washes the ashes, and the sun, previously hidden from the clouds, starts to peek and the water glistens under the sun's rays. Although the small monument is ignored by other students, after today, it would be memorable.

It's funny, since this is the same fountain I first saw the infamous Trina sitting at on my first day of school, and she chatted with some friends that she clearly doesn't have now, since none of them show up today at her memorial. I hope she's in a better place, however, whether if she died or moved to another state or country, we would always feel horrible for it, no matter how direct, indirect, or passive we can be.

I hope that we still have the strength to move on from this mistake, and be more friendly and welcoming. Let's see if that can happen. I know I can; I can't speak for everyone else, but I know they've learned from their fatal mistake.

I see the same figure of the eighteen year old, sitting next to the fountain, with the same outfit and smile from years ago. The only difference? Trina looks at me, and simply waves at me with a smile.


End file.
